Each day millions of humans fire up the backyard barbecue to grill up steaks, burgers and racks of lamb. Yum! Has there ever been an aroma more intoxicating than red meat sizzling over an open flame?

Wouldn’t you know it though, the Health Police have entered the picture. These nefarious kill-joys have planted newspaper stories citing alleged studies that would have you believe red meat is bad for you. I’m no meat scientist but from all the evidence I’ve seen, the exact opposite is true! Let’s debunk some of the myths concerning eating red meat.

Myth: RED MEAT RAISES YOUR CHOLESTEROL
Some medicines raise your cholesterol too. Is anybody suggesting we ban medicine? Not eating red meat because it raises your cholesterol is as silly as not taking medicine because it doesn’t taste like steak.

Myth: WHITE MEATS ARE BETTER FOR YOU
How racist! One type of meat is superior to another? Do you really want to be the guy making that argument? Think about this one long and hard before you repeat it again.

Myth: RED MEAT IS BAD FOR YOUR HEART
Denying yourself something you want causes stress, correct? Isn’t stress bad for your heart also? When you eat red meat at least you’re in control.

Myth: COMPARED TO COWS, CHICKENS ARE LESS OF A HASSLE
Capturing non-red meats can be dangerous. Chickens are fast. Chasing one around a yard could easily result in slipping and a sprained ankle. Slaughtering a pig, the other white meat, can be even more dangerous. Why risk a crippling fall in mud when cows are so mush easier to capture?

Play it safe. Skip white meat and go for the better tasting, healthier red stuff. You’ll be happy you did.

I read that birds will be released at the opening ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics to fly through the stadium as symbols of peace. I can do that, I thought. Make a little spare seed for a quick day’s work. Where do I sign up?

Get this: they wouldn’t even let me apply! “We’re looking for birds a little smaller in size,” was their official reason. Of course we all know that’s code for “We don’t hire blacks.” How ironic that the Olympic Committee, an organization devoted to sportsmanship and fair play, would take such a position. Why don’t they just come out and say only doves need apply?

It’s not just them, of course. Lots of organizations won’t hire black birds. When was the last time you saw a magician produce a crow from an empty handkerchief? When was the last time a raven had a bar of soap named after her? Never, that’s when. Soap endorsements are reserved for white birds. Storks bring babies, swans swim outside restaurants...Name any good bird job and chances are you have to be white to get it.

It’s time we said that enough is enough! We need to stop sitting on the fence and demand our rightful place. Not only AT the table but on top of the cake and inside the entertainer’s pockets as well.

Starting next year, a new tax law will redefine food given to animals by “non-employees” as tips. Since tips are considered income we’ll now be required to declare this “income” on our federal tax returns. This new law is bad for all animals in captivity but especially troublesome for those of us who work in the circus.

I’m lucky. As an elephant I have a good memory and can recall what I was fed, by whom and when. Most of my fellow performers however—the tigers and horses in particular—do not share this luxury. (The horses can barely remember their names, let alone how many sugar cubes they were fed through the railing between shows.) Since most circus animals do not itemize deductions, they do not have the required accounting system in place to track this sort of thing. This new law creates the large financial burden of having to hire outside accounting help. And most reputable accountants do not work for peanuts.

The government claims there will be free tax assistance available but most IRS workers do not have the clearance to enter the cages of ferocious animals. Plus most circus tours visit a given town for only a few days. What if an animal gets audited? The ringmaster must choose between holding over the entire circus or leaving that animal behind and catch up days later?

Now let’s talk about the other elephant in the room: Hasn’t the government learned by now that raising taxes doesn’t work? Taxpayers always find creative ways to hide their income. Mark my words, if this law sticks, a year from now kids will no longer be allowed to feed the animals directly - they’ll be a big bucket or something that kids can toss peanuts into which will then be distributed to us by an employee. Or animals will simply decide to forgo snacks by visitors altogether. Having nothing to eat between shows, we will consume larger portions at mealtime causing the circus to have to raise ticket prices to make up for the additional food costs. Kids can’t enjoy feeding us, peanut farmers sell less product and circuses make less profit. In the end, nobody wins.

The government needs to build roads. No one is arguing that. But at what cost? What good is a road if parents can’t use it to take their kid to an affordable circus?

Why are rats the only animals that have to live in the subway? We want to be up top with the birds and squirrels and ferrets. All the nice animals live above ground. We’re nice. At least as nice as squirrels. We just don’t have fluffy tails. For that we have to live underground? We carry disease you say? Well a lot of animals carry diseas - Bird Flu is expected to wipe out a few million people hopefully. I didn’t mean that.

My ancestors came over from Holland when this island used to be called New Amsterdam. Those were the days for rats. There were no subways back then. We got to stay above ground with the others. But then the bloody British took over and built subways and forced us to live down here with the trains. Okay, they didn’t actually build the subways. You caught me. But they had the idea and they passed it down to their great, great, great grandchildren who built the subways. Same thing. All I know is, if the Dutch were still here, there wouldn’t be any subways. Are there any subways in Holland? No! I think that proves my point.

We’re gonna hold a rally next Friday. We’re calling it All Rats Day and we’re gonna demand we be allowed to live above ground where we belong. We’ll meet in the park.

I clawed up the speaker grills and I’ll do it again if I have to. And then I’ll keep doing it until you get it through that thick skull of yours that I do not like jazz.

Would it kill you to play some U2 once in awhile? Maybe some John Hyatt? Look at your CD rack. You have at least a dozen Broadway show albums. When was the last time you put on RENT or HOW TO SUCCEED, the one starring Matthew Broderick?

You can ramble on all you want about jazz not being about the notes but rather about what’s BETWEEN the notes, how it’s more sophisticated..blah, blah, blah. Okay, I can see that at those times when you have ladies over, Miles Davis might be a better choice than the soundtrack to COMPANY. But Sunday afternoons? After she’s packed up her stuff and gone home? No. Sunday’s are the time to put on something that has an actual melody. When I’m in my litter box taking a constitutional, I don’t want complicated syncopation between a tenor sax and a piano. I want Van Halen. It’s much easier to poop to Van Halen than Miles Davis. Ask anybody.

So do we understand each other? I’m sure buying new speaker grills isn’t going to be cheap. Don’t make me ruin the new ones too.

Okay, listen up. Tomorrow is trash day and the cans will be full so here’s the plan - Felix and I will sneak around the back of the house while Gus and the rest of you guys head up the driveway from the north. Stay low and be careful when passing the kitchen door. Last thing we need is the old lady spotting us before we reach the mark.

Felix and l should be able to leap off the wall and topple over the cans but if we can’t, Gus will cut across the lawn and help. I figure we have fifteen, maybe twenty seconds before the lady comes out swinging the broom. So we have to work fast. That means only grab Styrofoam and fast food bags. And no eating during the heist! Everyone got that?

One final thing - the kid’s been sick for a few days. He might not be going to school tomorrow. So at the first sound of BB-gun fire, we abort the mission. Understood? No heroes.

Did I forget anything? If not, let’s get some sleep. Tomorrow we roll.